Category: Family

Family

All you need is love, but a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt – Charles M. Schulz

Sam

Can I ask an honest post Valentines question? Let’s say you have a daughter, I obviously can’t relate, but hear me out. Let’s say you have this beautiful, precious, daughter….. and it’s Valentine’s Day, or Sweetest Day, or her birthday or her anniversary…… and she calls you up and let’s you know that her husband or boyfriend didn’t get her anything, nor did he say “Happy Anniversary”, “Happy Birthday”, or “Happy (insert holiday here)”. Would you tell her, oh that’s ok because he took care of the kids that one time last week? Or he did the dishes for you, so don’t complain, doing housework is showing he loves you, it’s steady and reliable.

Now take a minute to think even deeper. Maybe you know that daughter of yours has a love language that is acts of service, so maybe him cleaning the house is sufficient. But maybe you got a girl (silently raising hand here) who likes a thoughtful gift here and there. Maybe you got a girl who wants to actually hear the words “I love you”. Maybe you got a needy woman-child (again I am embarrassingly raising my hand here) who wants some flowers, the dishes done, a thoughtful card telling me I am loved, a date night, with a kiss to top it off.

I am not saying I need that every day, but is it OK to want those things for my hypothetical daughter (or myself) a few times a year?

Because let me tell you, I am raising 3 boys, who I have given gifts to, I have showered them with words of love, given them too many hugs and kisses to count, I have served almost their every need so far, and I have smothered them with my presence since the day they were born. And you know who else does? Their dad. You know who else I shower all those things with? Their dad. You know who else showers me with those things? Their dad.

A few days ago, I witnessed a mass hysteria event at Kroger. Not only was every man in Brown County buying flowers but a good portion of them were complaining about doing it. Then I get on good old social media to people hating on Valentine’s Day. Cool. Cool. Cool. You do you.

But, girl, I will go ahead and be excited that despite the “made up holiday” bashing, that my husband cleaned my house and bought me flowers and wrote me a card.

I also had a talk with my boys about what they plan to get their future girlfriends on Valentine’s Day. Their answer was: Starbucks, flowers and to clean her car. Do you think I told them “that’s great! But what you really need to do is help her out every day and encourage and love her every day!”…… nope. Want to know why? Because that is what they should be doing every day anyways, and I tell them that all the time. Not as a gift to her, but because we should ALWAYS be trying to out serve our spouse. (seriously, listen to this message if you have time: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5t2AvOutXBQ )

Guys, I am raising 3 boys who I want to serve their spouse everyday AND shower them with gifts and extra love every once in a while. I won’t apologize for encouraging it.

So shout out to the guys who:

Pick up kids from school

Coach their kids in sports

Do the dishes because their wives hate dirty dish water

Clean up puke

Take kids to the doctor

Schedule kids dentist appointments

Text their wives daily

Let her call them on her way home from work just to talk

Encourage her in her faith

Take her out on dates

Hold her hand in the car

AND

Buy her flowers on a made up holiday.

 

60+ Funniest Valentine Memes For Laughs And Love On V-Day

Family

I like my Mom guilt.

Sam

I have written this post about 20 times. In my head and heart I think I know what I want to say, but then when I write it….. well it comes off like I am being a judgmental jerk. So please know I am saying this to myself as much as I am putting it out there for others to see.

Sometimes I have mom guilt. Ok, well that’s not a shocker I am pretty sure that all moms have felt an overwhelming feeling of totally screwing it up over the years… but maybe a little more shocking is that sometimes I am glad I have mom guilt.

Seriously.

Every day – whether on Pinterest, Facebook, or the news I read or see things like this:

  • 7 Ways to Raise a Mentally Healthy Kid
    • (Spoiler alert: you aren’t supposed to yell at them even if you’ve told them to get into the shower six times and instead, they’ve miraculously decided that at that exact moment they’re really interested in homework)
  • What Not to Feed Your Kids.
    •  (If I have to stop feeding them fruit snacks because of the red food dye I am just going to let you know that my ability to get good family photos or go anywhere in public is out the window)
  • What Questions to Ask your Kid to Really Connect.
    • (FYI “WHAT IS IN YOUR MOUTH?!?!?” isn’t on the list)
  • Best House Cleaning Schedule for Working Moms
    • (My schedule is “You best tell me you are coming over or expect to see underwear on the floor and pee on the seat”)
  • How to Date your Spouse/ How to Date your Kids/How to Date Yourself..
    • (I don’t know about you, but I don’t have the money or time to date 5 people.)

But the bottom line is… when I see these articles, I think… well crap – I could do better.

In a world where I have so much information at my fingertips, it is easy to google “how to be a better parent/wife/homemaker/etc.”

And when I see what the suggestions are, or what works for others I can really start to doubt myself. All of my insecurities and fears about how I am failing in these areas of my life bubble up.

Because when I google “How to raise a respectful kid” what I am really trying to google is “I am pretty sure I am failing at raising a good kid because yesterday at his soccer game a little boy on the other team scored on his own goal accidentally and my kid smiled about it and I feel terrible that he got enjoyment out of another kids embarrassing moment and I am not sure how to make him stop being a butthead… maybe it is because he ate fruit snacks with red food dye in them??”

Condemnation, guilt, shame, insecurity- whichever way this shows up in your life, is heavy stuff.

You can read articles on how to be a better mom, wife, friend, or Christian and think things like: I will never measure up, I am not doing enough, I am lacking in every. single. way.

You can let it define you. You can start to identify as the working mom who can’t stay home with her kids, or the mom who yells too much. You can think you will never be the fit mom, the crafty mom, the adventurer mom.

Your guilt can overshadow the purpose of these articles & posts, which in most cases is to offer help.

And most importantly it can also make you distant from God. Because when you doubt yourself in these areas of your life….. you are also doubting God.

Do you think God has those thoughts about you and me? Do you think He thinks “Oh your kids made a bad decision so obviously you are a terrible mom”?

No, He loves you… even when you don’t really love yourself.

Here’s the thing though….. I do think that sometimes God lets articles and posts like “How to connect with your kids” or maybe more accurately for me right now “How to get them to do homework without fighting” pass in front of you for a reason.

I think He wants us to grow. (Ephesians 4:15 Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.)

I think He wants you to come to Him and ask for help on being a better mom. Not out of self-doubt but because you are convicted in your heart to grow.

I like how Steven Furtik says it:

God will convict you in order to change you, but never accuse you in order to shame you.

And that is why I’m sometimes glad for my “mom guilt” or maybe I should call it “mom conviction”. That guilt that is actually a conviction from God to change. That little nudge and push that says that I haven’t been truly giving all I have to God and that I need to mature and grow a little in a particular area of my life.

He won’t tell me I’m a terrible mom/wife/homemaker/employee/boss but I think sometimes He does tell me that I don’t have all the information and that I have more to learn. I think His goal for me in this life is that I love Him and show others how much He loves them. I don’t think I can do that very well if I am not continuing to grow and learn how to love Him better and how to love His people better.

I usually like to end my posts with a witty comment, but today I feel lead to say a prayer. A prayer for all of us who might have some self-doubt or maybe some of us who are wrestling with conviction.

Dear God, I pray that today instead of feeling the overwhelming sense of guilt and self-doubt that this world sometimes hands us, that instead we just come to you God and ask is this an opportunity to grow? God is this from you? Is this an area that I have more to learn about, or is this my insecurities and fears coming through? God, I pray that if it is my fears that you just come and take those. Replace them with the love you have for me. I know YOU can do anything, but God also give me the confidence to do what you have called me to do. Give me the reminder that you have designed me uniquely to parent my particular children, that you have specifically designed me to be a wife to my husband, and that most importantly you have a plan for me and I pray that you use me for your purpose.

In Jesus name, Amen.

Faith, Family

Do You Want a Girl?

Sam

I’m a boy mom. I have three boys. They are all sooooo different, but when God was deciding what kids to bless me with He gave me three with…… well you know.

So, yeah, I get the question a lot on if I want a girl or will try for a girl.

And because I love and hate when people ask me this, if it’s OK with you I’d like to waste a couple minutes of your day talking about this question.

Do I want a girl? Or maybe a more accurate question would be: do I mourn the fact that I probably won’t have a mother/daughter relationship?

Um… yeah. For sure.

It goes without saying that I love my kids, and there isn’t a single one of them I would change or trade. I might change how one talks back to me and gives me attitude, but I wouldn’t change who God made them. I also LOVE having boys. And as much as I love those kids it doesn’t negate the fact that I probably won’t get to watch my husband take a daughter to a dance, or see how amazing my boys would be to a sister, or buy all the bows my heart desires. Or really anything cliché you might do with a girl vs. boy.

I have to talk myself out of wanting a girl sometimes. I have to list all the amazing reasons why having all boys is great. #1: At Disney we didn’t wait in line to meet a single Princess (again I know this is stereotypical, but it helps me cope). #2: I am the only girl in the house right now and I take advantage of it. #3: Hand me down clothes…. Haha…… just kidding….. if you know me I still buy an obscene amount of clothes for my youngest boy.

But anyways to be honest I think this…… wanting something you don’t have…… is something we all deal with.

Maybe you have all girls and you want a boy, or you don’t have kids but you want them. Maybe it isn’t about kids at all. Maybe you wish you had a different job. A different house. Different friends. A different spouse? I could probably make up a Dr. Seuss rhyme with all the things a person might want……

I fall into this “wanting more” category far too often. I am wired to look for the next best thing. When I was in high school and college I lived like this daily. It was pure survival mode for me. I needed to do well in high school so I could go to a good college, then I needed to do well there so I could get a good job. From there I needed to get married and have kids. Buy a house, search for a better job. Have another kid. Get a better house.

It was, and still is, an exhausting cycle I let myself get caught up in.

Maybe you get caught up in a similar cycle of wanting something you don’t have?

Or worse yet, maybe what you want, isn’t something as superficial as me wanting a girl, or a better house, or “fill in the blank”. Maybe what you want is that you aren’t in pain anymore from an illness, or your child isn’t sick anymore. Maybe you don’t want a better house, maybe you are just struggling to keep the house you have.

I am not that great at this, but I do know of a way to help break whatever cycle you might be in right now.

Paul writes to us in Philippians 4:12 and tells us:

I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

When I read this I always think to myself, “Yeah, OK, I love God. He satisfies me. I don’t need anything else.” BAM let’s do this! Then reality hits and reading these words doesn’t really tell me HOW to lean on God to give me strength in times of plenty and in times of want………..

So, if I haven’t lost you yet, let’s go back and look at the entire book of Philippians (and as a typical Sam disclaimer I am not a preacher, nor did I go to Bible college so if this is incorrect I apologize)…..

Paul is addressing some grumblings between a few Christians. And this is some of the advice he gives:

  1. Thanksgiving and Prayer- Paul first thanks them and tells them what he prays about for them.
  2. Background- Paul then acknowledges the situation.
  3. Keep on living a life worthy of the gospel- He instructs them that no matter what, you should keep doing the right thing.
  4. Act like Jesus- Paul then encourages them to approach the situation with Love.
  5. Don’t grumble- because obviously. No really, Paul describes this as a gift. If you don’t grumble you will be blameless and pure. Sign me up for that!
  6. Count on others- Paul then tells them he will send a friend to help encourage them.
  7. But not all others- He warns them to be weary of the evildoers.
  8. Keep your eyes on the prize- eternal life, not things of this world.

Then we get to Chapter 4 “The Closing Appeal” and the verse I shared above about being content no matter what.

I like this list. Paul is my man when it comes to lists! I’m not saying this is an easy list to keep in mind whenever I am feeling like I need to move on to the next big thing, or when I am going through a tough time with something……… but I do think that Paul’s letter to Phillipi can be used for us today.

  1. The first thing you should do is be thankful for “insert something here” and then go to God in prayer. First things first- give it to God.
  2. Acknowledge the thing you want or the tough circumstance you are in. It is healthy and right to admit those things. You just can’t stay there.
  3. Keep on keeping on. My friends and I try to make light of this step and say “Fake it til’ you make it”. But really this is survival 101. Keep praying, reading your Bible, going to Church, and doing what is right. Even if you feel distant from God, you feel your prayers are going unanswered, or you really don’t feel like being the better person……. you should still do it. Other’s are watching to see how you handle this situation- what a testimony to God to keep glorifying Him through your work!
  4. Be humble and approach the whole thing with love. That’s what Jesus would do.
  5. Try and not complain about the situation. Again, you will be rewarded for this!
  6. Know who your friends are and lean on them. Not just any friends, but the ones who are going to keep encouraging you and pointing you back to God.
  7. And finally, remember that every heartache we are going through is something that is breaking God’s heart too. Every desire we have here on Earth is nothing compared to the prize that awaits us in Heaven.

Friends, I can tell you with my whole heart that not having a girl breaks me sometimes. I know….. it is a dumb thing to get upset over, but it is something I desire from time to time. And when those feelings of longing come on, I go back over these steps and remind myself that God can fill that longing in my heart. He can satisfy me when I have plenty… or when I am in need.

Family, Farmhouse

Marriage Proofing Your House.

Sam

Has anyone told you that building a house is tough? Or that it really tests a marriage?

If you haven’t heard this before let me be the first to mention it to you. And if you have heard it let me serve as confirmation of this information. Building a house will be tough on your relationship. 

In fact, want to know what I am doing right now? I am holed up in my room, listening to a marriage sermon that my friend sent me, and I am sulking. Kyle and I had a big fight last night. Like one that ended in me driving around for 3 hours with a stop at Walmart at 1 am with my PJ’s on. I am super dramatic like that.

Want to know what the fight was about? Our house. I am frustrated and upset that we are 6 months into our build and we still do not have our septic in and we’ve been on a waiting list to get it in for almost a year.

Actually, I am just frustrated (period).

The thing is, when building a house it gets frustrating a lot. You’ll get frustrated that it is taking too long, something comes in over budget, a subcontractor messed something up, you have to pre-plan out all these things and you are afraid you might forget something, or you have to make a choice on wood flooring and the choice you want doesn’t work out so you have to go with something else that you aren’t quite as satisfied with…….. and the list goes on and on.

I have only been married 10 years and I don’t think I am qualified to offer any marriage advice. 1) because when we fight I do things like go to Walmart at 1 am because I am throwing a hissy fit and 2) Kyle and I haven’t really been faced with any big complications in our time of being married. But if it is OK with you I’d like to walk you through a few things that might help you if/or when you might build a house. And mostly because I need a list to refer back when these “house” fights happen again…… because they will.

  • Reach out to the one or two friends who value marriage and relationships. You know who they are. Bonus points if they too have built a house together or even tried to plan a simple home improvement project. They are the ones who won’t ever say a negative thing about your spouse even when you are saying ALL the negative things. They are the friends who listen, pray for you, and then send you sermons to listen to. They aren’t judging you and saying “what a terrible marriage you have or you should be more like my perfect marriage”. No, these friends are telling you that you are just frustrated and offering to go to McDonalds at 10 pm once the kids are asleep just so you can throw a pity party over a McFlurry.

 

  • You have to look at your spouse through the lens of LOVE. There are gonna be some tough times. I can’t tell you what those tough times are. For me it is because I want it to stop raining so we can put a septic tank in. Yours might be because your husband can’t tell that there is an OBVIOUS off color piece of flooring in the middle of your living room….. wait no that’s me too. You need to remember some basic facts: your spouse is not error free, they need as much grace as you do, and when you stop looking at them as a child of God and instead as someone whose letting you down- you will fail. Your marriage will fail. Your family will fail. (Note to future self: listen to this sermon when this happens: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6QSJSjNQM68)

 

  • Separate the truth from lies. During this current fight; I am not mad at Kyle, I am mad because our septic is not in and I am still living with my dad in a house that isn’t mine. I am frustrated at our circumstances right now. The truth is that Kyle feels the same way I do but expresses it differently. The lie is that I sometimes get so worked up that I think Kyle can control things that are really out of his control: like the weather. I know it sounds dumb, but honestly during this build I had to remind myself a lot that we were at the mercy of different contractors and the weather… both things that we can’t control. And the biggest truth I had to remember is that we still have the same goal in the end.

 

  • Marriage differences are tough. That might be the most underrated sentence I have ever spoke. Kyle and I are different on so many levels. He’s focused on the structure of our house like the electric and wouldn’t help on selecting what color we should paint the walls. He likes the hot hot summer and I look better in layers in the winter. He is so laid back that at times it comes across like he doesn’t care and I am such a hot head that I jump to conclusions. It’s not easy being so vastly different. Sometimes we can’t see where the other one is coming from and it leads to frustration. It’s during these times that I just have to embrace our differences and be thankful. I have to look at them as an opportunity to grow and widen my view. I have to embrace that differences mean that we are being thorough and that it brings diversity to our relationship. I cannot let the differences divide us. Because again when that happens things in our relationship start to fail, like communication.

 

  • You are not justified. This is really important. When I am mad at Kyle or hurt by really anyone who I have a close relationship with I can really easily fall into a hole where I feel wronged. But we are called to stay humble. And we need to get humble fast. I can perfectly recall a lot of the things that I have gotten mad about over the past 10 years with Kyle. He can’t. It isn’t because I haven’t made my fair share of mistakes- probably even worse than his ever were. It is because he has a terrible memory. But jokes aside you will need grace at one point in time in your relationship. Extend the type of grace that you hope to get when you mess up.

 

This isn’t my way of saying I have this marriage thing figured out or that I resolve conflict really well. I am so far from that. I just want you to know that building a house is not for the faint of heart and it will be tough- even for those of you who have a pretty strong relationship. I also want to tell you that the house you are building is not worth a broken relationship. And in case you need to be reminded……….. your spouse cannot control the weather so that it stops raining so you can put in a stupid septic tank.

Family

Useful Parenting Tips.

Sam

Ha! I have zero tips on how to “mom”. Every time I think I might be able to give some useful advice one of my kids (won’t name any names, but it’s always the middle one) gets stuck between the slide and the outside barrier at Chick-Fil-A and despite all my might I cannot remove him and people start to panic and ask if we should call 911. True story.

There are days that I really connect with my kids and I think I have this parenting gig down. I don’t yell or get frustrated easily. I am able to talk them through something and avoid a full blown out tantrum. I cook dinner that doesn’t make them gag. I am able to sort-wash-dry-AND put away the laundry. And when I go to tuck them in at night I read them a bedtime story and pray over them. It’s a sweet, easy going, good day.

Then the next day comes and I send the kids to school only to realize, once already at work, that I forgot to send their winter coats…. which just so happen to be in the back of my car. I also choose that day try a new Pinterest recipe that is gross so an hour later they are begging for a granola bar. Then during bath time my youngest, who refuses to potty train, poops in the bathtub and I lose my cool and force everyone to go to bed at 6 pm just so nothing else can go wrong.

OR maybe you aren’t a mom but you can relate because there are days that you are killing it at your job, the house is super clean, you are able to stay connected with your friends, AND work out. And then there are days that the only thing you are killing it at is killing your house plants.

It’s a balance I guess.

Before I used to think balancing meant having it all. Working and/or volunteering hard at whatever you do- but not too much so that your family is still your #1 priority. Having a clean and organized house- because that helps control the chaos. Cooking meals for your family most nights, but also having fun pizza dinners. Visiting friends and having “me” time, plus going out on date nights once a month even after you’re married…….. you know like all the things people say to do to help make your life better. I thought that was the balance I should be trying to achieve.

Instead the balance I’ve found isn’t this careful juggling act like people say. It’s more like you’re a server and holding up multiple plates with responsibilities heaped on them and a few crash on the floor – but you’re a mom so they were just plastic plates anyway – so you pick them up, check to see if they need washed, and continue on. The balance I have in my life isn’t about how I can hold all the plates up at the same time like I used to think, it’s about knowing which ones you can let crash for a minute. (I think some business books use the juggling analogy and balls dropping- but honestly I can’t say the word balls without blushing. Seriously, I hope that Jesus comes back before I have to have the talk with my kids because I will probably die from blushing that day). Anyways……..

Some of the best advice I’ve ever been given was to know your priorities. As in plural. There are days that my husband gets my attention because maybe he’s struggling with something, then there are days I’m celebrating something my oldest did so the other two kids have to suck it up and tag along. There are weeks that are busy at work and so it takes top priority, and then there are a few minutes here and there that I get to focus on myself. And when I’m focusing on one particular area in my life, I can pretty much guarantee that there are other parts close to falling or already on the ground. I won’t keep them there- but for the time being they aren’t my focus. Each year I get older, I’m a little better at figuring out what my priorities are.

But here’s where I struggle. Although I am getting better about knowing what I can let slide for a minute- it doesn’t make it any easier to actually let it fall to the bottom of my priority list. I hate even thinking that there are times work is more of a priority than my kids. To me that seems like I am saying I value work more. Which couldn’t be further from the truth. I love my work, I really do. As a senior in college I choose to take a class in not-for-profit and governmental accounting because it was so fascinating to me. So the fact that I actually have a career in it is a dream come true. (Listen Linda- accounting can be a dream job, thank you very much). But the love I have for my job is nothing compared to the love I have for my kids.

What I really struggle with and need to get better at is giving myself grace for letting things fall. I’m not entirely sure how to do this, since like I said, this is where I struggle… but I think it lies somewhere in between knowing we have grace and giving it to others.

Just like the grace we don’t deserve that God has given us, there’s nothing we can really do to earn it. We just have to be thankful we have it and accept it. When I know that I’m letting something fall off my plate I think I just have to acknowledge that it isn’t ideal but there’s not much else I can do about it.

And just like the fact that since God has given us grace we are called to also extend that gift to others. I need to let others know that they have grace when they are figuring out their priorities. When someone doesn’t put a top priority on something I think they should have, even if it causes me more work, I think I need to trust that they know their priorities better than I do. I think when we give this type of grace we become a little more aware of the fact we have the same grace.

I’m not sure if you need to know this or not, or if you already knew this, but you are not going to be able to do it all, and do it all well. I hope when those days come that you remember that you are allowed, and encouraged to give yourself grace. And if you see me at Chick-Fil-A trying to get a kid unstuck can you let me know I have grace too?

 

Family

The snake catcher.

Sam

I hate snakes. Like seriously– snakes are terrible. They are cold blooded, which I always associate with being a killer. They climb trees, but they have 0 arms or legs. And how the heck do they swim on top of the water??? Unnatural. They creep along and are mostly camouflaged so you never know when you will be attacked by one. I’ve actually never been attacked by one, but I did have one CRAWL over my bare foot when I was walking in my back yard once- so pretty much the same thing. I like it when people tell me “they are more afraid of you than you are of them”. I disagree. If that snake was afraid of me it wouldn’t have had the nerve to invade my personal space like it did.

I think this stems back to my childhood when my older brother would catch baby snakes and throw them at me. The fear escalated when I would go over to my aunt’s house and her two boys, my cousins, would randomly catch snakes and bring them in her house.

So when God blessed me with not 1 but 3 little boys I had serious post-traumatic flash backs to how the boys in my family couldn’t get enough of the evil creatures.

This  real ugly fear of snakes was something I was determined to not pass down to my boys. At the zoo I finally acknowledged there was a reptile house and even ventured in there from time to time. When a picture of a snake came up in a book we were reading or Wild Kratts showed how Python mothers lay all these eggs and then like the terrible creatures they are abandon them, I hid my gags. My kids quickly caught on though that their mom wasn’t a huge fan of snakes.

Unfortunately, instead of me passing down this particular fear to them, I instead passed down my humor. Because now it was a game. One time the oldest was walking through the zoo and they had a snake you could pet. He slyly looked at me and said “Mom, I want to pet it.” so instead of panic I started grabbing the hand-sanitizer so that I could wash his hands of that filth as soon as he touched it. Then the little snake (the kid, not the actual snake) said “but it’s big. Can you touch it first?” Blah. So like the good mother I pretend to be on Facebook I touched it. Then my own flesh and blood started to walk away. My eyes got so big and I am sure CPS was about to be called when he turned around and said “I changed my mind I don’t want to touch it.” Still to this day he’s not in the will because of this little trick.

Ah, it gets better though. From time to time my middle child will be hiking, playing in a creek, or just having fun outside. Then all of a sudden he’ll make a bee-line for something. 9 out of 10 times he pops up with a little snake in his hands. Yes, I have a snake catcher living in my house.

Isn’t that how life is though? We have a plan, it includes avoiding anything that could cause us to stumble and also takes a hard turn when we encounter something we fear.

Fear is a big motivator for me. At one point in my life I was so fearful of becoming a mom that I told Kyle I didn’t want kids. I felt I wouldn’t be a very good mom (still debatable) and I wasn’t a natural at it like other people I’ve seen. Once I had kids, I became fearful of this world in a way that is hard to explain. I gave up watching the news because of how sad it was, I wouldn’t let my kids go with anyone but a few trusted people and once that even included my own dad because I thought he might get into a car wreck. Because, you know, I’m immune to getting into car accidents.

It also manifested in an ugly way of being over critical of my kids. I’m not joking when I say that I am not a natural mother. From the time I was pregnant to now I am constantly researching all things motherhood, asking people how to parent, and in general just winging it. I’d take lists to my OB of questions I had. But they actually weren’t questions, they were fears. Did I weigh too much to have a healthy pregnancy? I had low iron- so how will that effect the baby? Should I start a gestational diabetic eating plan at 10 weeks- because I might have it? Can you tell if I’ll need a c-section? What can I do now to ensure that I’ll be able to breastfeed?

When I had my son it didn’t get better. Was he making eye contact appropriately? Did he have enough muscle mass? Is he eating enough? Is he hitting milestones like he should? My sister was an early childhood intervention specialist- so you better believe I made her do evaluations on my kid. I was constantly reading to him, making him play developmentally appropriate games, and in all honesty trying to condition him into the perfect child. I think all moms go through this a little bit but I think I might have been taking it to an extreme.

You know why I didn’t want my fear of snakes to pass down to my kids? Because I didn’t want to limit them. I didn’t want a fear of snakes to keep them from enjoying swimming in a pond (which I still will not do to this day). I didn’t want them to not want to go on a hike because they might see a snake. I didn’t want them to miss out on something enjoyable because of fear. It was so easy to identify my fear of snakes. It was harder to realize I had a deep fear of being a mom, or a fear of screwing up my kids. I was turning something amazing like motherhood into something not as enjoyable because of my constant fears of if I was doing it right. The hardest part? I realized I might be pushing those fears on my kids. I was making them anxious. The oldest started biting his nails and you could tell he felt a pressure to behave a certain way. It was my worst fear- I screwed up my kid.

It didn’t happen right away but little by little I gave my fear up. I tried to consciously not let fear dictate my life. How? Well for me, I did it by calling out the fear and prayerfully giving it to God. I also let my kids see me pray about it and talk about it. I wanted them to know that even though I was nervous about something it wasn’t going to stop me from going about my day.

Maybe you too have fear that keeps you from enjoying things like you should. Maybe you’re at the step where you need to identify what that fear might be. What trait do you not want to pass down to your kids? Is it your fear of snakes? Or something more?

little boy with snake
My little snake catcher.

 

Family

How to say sorry.

Sam

I love to apologize. I remember getting a letter when I was a kid from a really dear friend of mine that said “I wish you’d stop saying sorry so much”. My first gut reaction was to apologize. I so badly wanted to go up to her and ask her if she was still my friend even though I was annoying.

Sometimes I use the word “sorry” to replace “excuse me”. Like when my kid gets up to use the bathroom during a play and we are in the middle of the row I like to say “Oh, I’m so sorry, can we get past you?”. Sometimes I say sorry in a sarcastic type of way like “I’m so sorry you can’t be bothered to answer my call Kyle- who else could possibly be more important than your WIFE!”. Most of the time though I really am sorry and I like to tell people how sorry I am.

There is probably a lot of insecurity issues and childhood traumas that have led me to being an overly apologetic human being. But of all things I am not sorry about, it is being sorry all the time.

Have any of you experienced a time where someone did something offensive to you and they say the dreaded sentence “well, I’m sorry you took it that way”? Another personal favorite of mine is “I’m sorry but x,y,z happened” aka it’s not my fault.

When I hear things like this it makes me feel as a society that we have become so adverse to showing any signs of weakness or being honest in our failures that we forget there is usually another actual person on the other side that has worth. That is a mouth full of a sentence so let me break it down. When you apologize it is for the benefit of the other person. It is not to show your weakness. If you are saying sorry right, it has nothing to do with your weakness or with your failures and everything to do with making sure the person you are apologizing to still knows they are important, or worthy.

I actually had an example of this that played out today and sorry (lol) that I am being vague but there are people I want to protect. Anyways, I was telling someone that I didn’t receive some information that I should have. I handled it the right way and let the person who didn’t give me the information know they really needed to make sure they let me know in the future and let it go. Within the next hour I had been forwarded an email where in fact they did send me the information. I immediately apologized that I had missed it, and I also went out of my way to let the person I told originally know I actually did receive it. 

Simple right? I wanted to make sure my friend knew I recognized my mistake so that next time it wouldn’t happen. I wanted them to know that I knew they did what they were supposed to and they were worthy. I also didn’t want the other person to think poorly about the friend. Did it make it look like I missed the information the first time and was irresponsible? Probably. Do I think anyone gave it that much thought afterwards? Probably not.

Could you imagine if I didn’t apologize? If that friend continued to think that the other friend didn’t do what I needed, or if the one friend thought I thought they were irresponsible? It would make for some complex relationships.

You see when you say sorry for a simple error it stays like that….. a simple error.

Instead, what I see all the time is when the simple mistakes aren’t dealt with they stop being simple and start to become complex. It starts to become something that festers and gets bigger and bigger and bigger. In our marriages I see it all the time. We let something as simple as not taking out the trash stop being something as simple as just taking out the trash and instead it becomes “you never listen to me” or “you think x,y,z are more important than me”.

With our kids; when they ask us to do something like play a game of UNO and we tell them “after dinner” and then forget, it is simple to say “I’m sorry I forgot, we don’t have time for UNO now but I’ll read you a book”. It is more complex to deal with a child who becomes accustomed to someone always letting them down than to just say sorry and try to do better next time.

Not repeating your mistakes or trying to do better is just as important as saying the actual words “I’m sorry”. We as a society need to do better about linking actions to words. When a child becomes an adult and hasn’t seen their parents actually apologize, something as simple as just saying sorry becomes a more complex issue of a future adult who doesn’t know how to take responsibility for their actions.

Saying sorry also forces you to become vulnerable. I think the world teaches us that being vulnerable equals weakness. Now I’m a Bible believer so I know that our weakness is where God shows up. You might not think that so let me take another approach to this; Vulnerability shows someone that you can be honest and trusted. How much better would this world be if we had more honest and trustworthy people in it? A lot.

Now saying sorry for a simple error vs. saying sorry for something you can’t take back or where you can’t try to better next time because there is no next time, is not called “being sorry”. That’s called asking for grace. That is really different…….. and sorry to say………. a whole other post.

Faith, Family, Farmhouse

First things first.

Sam

So you’ve decided to check out just another farmhouse blog? I know you. You are either a family member (hi mom!) or friend who’ve I shamelessly begged to follow me, or like me obsessed with all things farmhouse. You’ve checked out the other 503+ blogs out there about how to build your dream farmhouse and now you’ve stumbled on mine- which to be honest probably isn’t too different than all the others. So why should you keep checking in here? I mean what is different? I’m going to be real. I am not a professional Christian, wife, mother, crafter, photographer, construction guru, or interior designer.

Needless to say my photo editing skills include begging one of my best friends to take pictures for me, or using Instagram filters. So if you want beautiful farmhouse photos this is not the place for that. I think my pictures are OK and they are real– like I might forget to move a highchair out of the way of a photo I post. My decorating skills are on par with my budget- basically really sound in a structural type of way but not excessive.

My abilities as a mom, or crafter, or chef are limited. I work really, really, really hard to keep my kids alive, dressed (which is harder than you think- or maybe you too have toddlers who love to be naked), fed, semi-clean, and well-rounded. But I pretty much fail daily on this. Except the keeping the kids alive. I do that, but barely. So if you are here to learn how to cook from scratch, raise perfect kids who go to Church and don’t try to light it on fire, or sew homemade costumes- well let me introduce you to other blogs for that or my personal favorite amazon.com.

As far as a wife goes….. Kyle (my husband) hasn’t complained. Well, let me rephrase he hasn’t complained to me. Honestly though, in Kyle’s words “we get along so well because I am easy going”. He’s the calm to my storm, the practical to my wild, and all in all really is easy going. I try. I really do. Like in all areas of my life sometimes I’m a really amazing supportive wife and other times I’m just a supportive wife- and then when times get a little overwhelming I’m just a wife.

So what can I promise you here? Well, I think I can promise you some honesty and some realistic budgets for building your dream house. I feel like sometimes what is lacking on sites is the authentic budgets. Like I see the ones that are 4,000 square feet and a million dollars to build or ones where you build it yourself and spend $50K on a $500K house. This place will be as middle of the road as possible. AND because it is my place to post- I will also share a few things on faith and family– because honestly the farmhouse part doesn’t do much for me without the other two.

Thanks for stopping in and I hope you enjoy!

– Sam

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