Tag: #control

Faith, Family, Farmhouse

What A Coincidence

Sam

My mom passed away earlier this year. It was really unexpected. I had just talked to her. It is still so surreal sometimes. She had complications from a routine surgery.

Maybe the most surreal part is that I lost a really important person in my life that day and the world is still going on.

One of the things that kept going on was the closing out of her estate. If you read or hear nothing else from this post, let me encourage you to have a will or trust. It is such a gift to your family.

Needless to say, my mom didn’t have one. So it became my job to work with a lawyer and the courts to sell her house and figure out all her assets and liabilities.

It’s frustrating.

If it was just cleaning the house, fixing it to sell, and mowing the lawn….. I could probably handle that. But it’s all the other “stuff”. The family disputes, the back and forth paperwork with probate, running down signatures, setting up an estate account, hunting down all the accounts and bills, and then with the house- not getting offers, dropping the price, negotiating a sale, trying to figure out what makes sense to fix from the inspection report, fighting with the mortgage company…. It was near impossible some days.

Like to the point that I cried to my husband that I just wanted to walk away from it all. Walk away from my family, walk away from honoring my mom by selling her house vs letting it get foreclosed on, and just walk away from grieving my mom.

During that time period- when we weren’t getting any offers, my father-in-law asked me if we had sold it yet. To which I said no, we had some showings, but nothing yet.

He then said something about him praying about it, or asked if I was praying about it, something like that anyways….

And I am embarrassed to admit this, but the answer was no.

I was so frustrated and distracted and disappointed that I was doing everything by myself, that I honestly thought that it was useless to even ask for help….. I think deep down I was trying to hold on to the little bit of control I had left of the situation and didn’t want to give it up. And I truthfully didn’t know how to give it up.

So I prayed immediately.

And we got an offer that next morning.

My husband’s favorite saying is “I don’t believe in coincidences, but when I pray coincidences happen”.

What a coincidence.

But guys, what about all the coincidences that didn’t happen?

I prayed, I fasted, I begged God to heal my mom. I had faith that she was going to recover. I had hope through it all. I prayed countless times through the night in the waiting room with my family.

But my coincidence didn’t happen then. Why was one prayer answered and another wasn’t? Why was the important prayer seemingly ignored?

I’d like to say that was the only area of my life that I prayed so hard for a miracle about. That everything else is smooth sailing, but it’s not. Life hardly ever is- and some seasons are just plain tough.

I’ve had so many things this year. On one day I had two major scares with two different kids. And not to be dramatic, but they weren’t like “oh I got a call from the principal about my kid mooning a kid on the bus” type of scare (although that did happen too), but like I don’t know what the future holds type of scares. I don’t know how to fix it type of scares. Like maybe one scare is “figureoutable” but I might not like what I figure out, and the other scare is just scary and I don’t know how to help.

I’m praying about it all. I have people standing in the gap and praying too. So where’s my coincidence here? I need one really bad and I’d prefer it to happen sooner rather than later.

But, if I have learned anything from my mom’s passing…… it is that I don’t know anything. And it isn’t my favorite thing, but I guess it is ok to not know. I don’t doubt God. I believe He exists. I believe He answers prayers and still preforms miracles. But I have questions and grief that I am pouring out to Him.

Does that mean I lack faith? That because I am confused and waiting on something from God that might not happen, and I am upset about it- that I don’t love God?

I don’t think so. I think it means I have a relationship with God.

The person I am closest to on this side of Heaven is my husband, and I certainly question his ideas and thoughts from time to time- I mean he frequently says things like “it’ll be what it’ll be”- that there alone makes me want to punch him in the throat. I get angry with him. I grieve with him. I even sometimes yell at him. But I would still tell you that I love him…. like I love him a lot and think he is one of the most honest and “good” people I know.

So when I am asking God what the heck is going on and asking what I am supposed to do or asking Him if He’ll answer a prayer and then crying when that prayer doesn’t get answered…….. I think it means I just have a real relationship. One that is back and forth. One that isn’t built on all the things God can do for me and if He makes me mad or doesn’t do what I ask that I stop loving him, but instead it is built on loving Him through the times that I don’t get what I want.

God’s thoughts are not mine, but that doesn’t mean I can’t ask. Maybe He’ll tell me why, maybe He won’t. Maybe I’ll find out that it was a blessing I didn’t even know I needed- or there’s a purpose to this pain. Or maybe I’ll never know or figure out the “good” in the situation. But I can still respect Him- even if I wanted something different with every part of me.

It reminds me of the book of Daniel.

During this time Israel was seized by Babylon- who were just straight up evil.

The King (Nebuchadnezzar) took all the healthy, strong, and smart Israel boys to be his servants. This included Daniel, Hananiah, Mishael, and Azariah. You might know them better by the names they were given by Nebuchadnezzar – Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego.

(Side note: I heard recently that Daniel wrote his Babylonian name wrong all through the Bible. So even when he was writing what God wanted Him to in the Bible he tried to stick it to the Babylonians- which makes me think Daniel was super petty, haha.)

Anyways….. Nebuchadnezzar wanted them to eat from his table (i.e. really good food to keep them strong), but most of the food would go against the Jewish laws. The king also wanted them to worship him and his gods and not God.

To make a long story short, Daniel, Hananiah, Mishael, and Azariah said no, and trusted God would provide.

And He did.

Even though they didn’t eat the “good” food they were stronger than those who did.

And when Hanaiah, Mishael, and Azariah said they wouldn’t bow to the statue of gold Nebuchadnezzar made and got thrown in a fire (that was so hot it actually killed the people throwing the guys in), they said; “If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from your majesty’s hand, BUT even if he does not, we want you to know, your majesty, we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up”.

They didn’t burn, there was another figure in the fire with them- Jesus.

And similarly, Daniel wouldn’t stop praying to God so he was thrown into a lion’s den- and God shut the mouths of the lion and he wasn’t killed.

Their coincidences came true. They believed God would and He did.

But, and again I like to make this disclaimer a lot, I am not a Bible scholar at all, but I bet that wasn’t all they probably prayed for.

If I had to guess I would say they prayed that they wouldn’t get ripped away from their family (some of which were probably killed), and I bet they prayed that they wouldn’t get their names stripped away and given new ones, that the Babylonians wouldn’t try to strip them of their entire identity, and I am even willing to bet they prayed to be delivered and set free from Nebuchadnezzar time and time again.

But that didn’t happen.

Sometimes, prayers don’t get answered. Sometimes the enemy attacks. Sometimes we make stupid choices and have consequences (my husband’s other favorite saying is “play stupid games, win stupid prizes”). And sometimes we live in a broken, fallen, sin filled world that God was loving enough to provide a way for us to be rid of through the death of Jesus on the cross. I don’t think we can ever focus on the “why” bad things happen, because that means we are looking backwards. Instead, I find it much more productive to look at the “who” that can fix it.

I know God is good. I know this because He’s orchestrated steps in my life to lead me to have a support system through this that I never could of imagined. I know He’s good from watching Him work in other areas of my life and my friend’s life. I know He’s good because my foundation is the truth in His word, and the Bible says He’s good and I have proof to back up those claims.

I know that sometimes my prayer isn’t going to be answered. My coincidence might not ever come. And I’ll probably have a breakdown and not know what to do and get angry and sad and scared. I might even yell. But I’m still going to pray for my coincidence because I still want everything, including everlasting life and peace, that comes with a real relationship with God, “even if”……………

It's Fine I'm Fine Everythings Fine ...

Faith

Hit Submit

Sam

This may come as a shock to you… but I am an opiniated, loud, and fiercely independent woman. Ha! If you’ve seen me watch any of my kids play sports or talk about budgets, this does not come as a shock to you.

Here’s the thing, I enjoy my career and it is a priority in my life. We also depend on my income and my husband’s. I like to share my thoughts, and sometimes I even have some good thoughts. I also don’t mind a good debate every now and then. And I have been known to call people out on things I feel are disrespectful. I don’t have any signs in my office that say Boss B, but I smile when I see those signs at Marshall’s. I also enjoy a good eyeroll when I don’t see women represented in certain leadership positions (*cough* School Board *cough*).

I believe, and I claim over my life that God made me this way. He made me passionate about the things I believe in and a desire to learn. He has blessed me with the career and job I have- which has led me to a stronger and more courageous faith. And He has flamed my desire to be independent and to teach others to be independent, so that at the end of the day we can rely solely on Him and be free of this world’s ways.

So imagine my utter surprise (and younger me’s utter disappointment) when He also told me I had to “submit” to my husband.

Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. (Colossians 3:18)

Or… this verse…

Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. (Ephesians 5:22-24)

I won’t lie, I did my best for a good part of my life to ignore this. Clearly this message was not intended for women of today. I mean when the Bible was written it was from a time when women had little to no rights, so surly that part of the Bible was a little outdated.

Yeah, no. The Bible is as relevant today as it was then, and will have the same amount of relevancy 1,000 years from today. God does not change with the times. The World changes with the times, and we are called to not live for this World but instead for eternal life and our promise of life beyond our time here.

Furthermore, I can argue that Jesus was actually very respectful with His interactions with women at the time, compared to others in society… so if He said wives need to submit to their husbands, well, then wives need to submit.

Unfortunately, I am not super submissive. In fact, I’d say I was the opposite of submissive because I am a control freak. But it’s cool because God made me that way. I trust that there is a way to be both a strong and independent women….. and a submissive wife and child of God. And I *think* our society and the enemy likes to tell us the lie that we have to choose. I’ll actually go one step further and say that the enemy is absolutely afraid that we will stumble on the truth that we are ALL called to be both.  And if we do embrace being strong and free and submissive… well then we wouldn’t fall into his trap and he’d be powerless.

Anyways… let me first tell you through trial and error a few things submission is NOT.

  • It is not being quiet. (Thank the Lord)
  • It is not letting someone tell you what to do without regards to your feelings or wellbeing.
  • It is not following someone without questions.
  • It is not doing everything from cleaning to cooking to childrearing to (fill in the blank) without expecting any help and with a smile on your face.
  • It is not being co-dependent.
  • It is not being a martyr.
  • It is not denying who God designed you to be… even if that person is loud (passionate) and independent (free).

There are a lot of other things submission is not. But from my very brief dabble in it, these are some things I’ve found submission IS.

  • It is asking your husband his opinion before your friends.
  • It is surrounding yourself with friends who build up their husbands.
  • It is supporting him and singing his praises.
  • It is giving him words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, quality time, and physical touch.
  • It is praying for him and with him.
  • It is valuing his ideas and being thankful to his contributions to the household.
  • It is respecting him and not coveting a quality in him that is not there.
  • It is being a good reflection of him and complementing his identity.
  • It is being a united front.
  • It is trying to understand him.
  • It is learning from him.
  • It is holding him accountable.
  • It is accepting his love towards you.

Submission is between a wife and a husband because there is a covenant (or agreement) set up. So let me be clear. If one person is not holding up their end of the agreement, then the other part of the agreement or covenant starts to become void or needs restoration. So. If a wife or husband is being abused mentally, physically, or emotionally that’s a breakdown in the covenant. If there has been immoral conduct. That is a breakdown in the covenant.

God asks His people who have agreed to be in covenant with Him to obey His rules and submit to Him. If there is a breakdown in that agreement, if we can’t obey and submit, a new covenant has to be forged.

Spoiler alert…… we have broken our covenant with God a lot. Like so much. It started in the Garden of Eden and it continues today with every decision we make to be further away from Him.

You know what God calls our husbands to do for us, their wives? He says “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church”. You know what his ultimate display of love was? A sacrifice. We messed up our covenant with God so much that the only way to fix it. The only way to continue to have a relationship with God, was for either us or God to restore the covenant. God never broke the agreement. We did. So God did what no mother or father or grandparent or care giver in their right mind would do, and made a sacrifice so big, so pure, and so perfect…… He sacrificed His Son so that we could start anew. The sacrifice to end all sacrifices. And our end of the new agreement? We have to love God. And to love God is to know that His Son died on the cross to wipe away all our wrongs…..

Whew… to bring it all back around. Ladies, between the two of us- husbands and wives. We got the better end of the deal. We’ve got to submit. And yeah, that might be hard, especially when he hasn’t taken out the trash like he said he would 2 days ago….. but he’s called to sacrifice for us….. just like God sacrificed for us.

 

Faith

I have control issues.

Sam

There are two things that I have always said keep me from having a better relationship with God: control and not realizing how powerful God is. You might be thinking- wow! only two things?! This person has it together! Or maybe you are a rock star Christian and you are already scrolling to the comment section to provide me with the perfect Bible versus. Whichever camp you are in, hear me out here as I try to dive into one of my major struggles..

Relax, nothing is under control- unknown

I think that a majority of our worldly struggles come in the form of control. Either we thrive off it, we give it to someone who doesn’t deserve it (our kids, our spouse, social media, etc.), or better yet we don’t give it to who actually should have it.


Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

Philippians 4:6

I basically have all these control issues. All of them.

Have you ever made a to-do list for your to-do list? No? Well, how about put things on your list just to be able to cross it off? Or the thoughts “if I just try a little harder”, “if I just could get my husband to clean up after himself a little”, or “if I can just get the kids to listen”. Maybe it comes out like this: if I can just power my way through this hard part of my life- it will all be OK.

I have a thought every other day (or every other hour) that starts with the word I when it comes to whatever part of my life that’s hit a rough patch. I put a lot of power into what I can do in a situation.

I thrive off control. I really do. When I feel in control of a situation life is a little better. When I tell my kids what to do and they do it, I feel powerful. When I get to sit at my desk at work and accomplish my to-do list in an orderly fashion the world is amazing! My husband, who is truly a gift from God, is great about giving into my control. He knows it means more to me than him, so he lets go of the things he can’t control. I mean who wouldn’t like to feel in control of what happens to them?

But do you know what the issue of thriving off control (or back in my un-Christian like days I liked to call a Type-A personality) creates? It means that when I am not in control the world is terrible. When my kids have been told to get buckled in the car 14 times and instead are looking for a lost toy under the seat, or my husband remembers the 3 things he was supposed to do right before we leave the house (like take the trash out) and makes us late, or work is a hot mess of fires to put out- so much so that I can’t even do my daily tasks……well… I feel out of control. When I feel out of control I yell, I become bitter, I am not the wife, mom, or friend I know I was designed to be.

Or how about a worst case scenario. Something truly terrible happens. Like a child’s sickness, a close family member or friend’s death, or someone who you trusted takes advantage of that trust. What is your reaction when you can’t control a situation like that? It breaks you. And if it doesn’t break you- you are constantly looking for the part in the situation that you can control. Now don’t get me wrong- looking for the parts you can control is a great coping mechanism and is a needed life skill. What I am talking about is how needing control can control you.

I don’t want this yo-yo of back and forth emotions where one minute I am happy because I am in control and the next I am not. I don’t want my happiness to depend on other people either, like when my kids are good (and I use this term lightly) then I feel like a good mom or if my marriage is not doing the best then that must mean I am a failure. I want to be a naturally happy person.

So how do you become happy? Although, there are so many examples I can give you, I choose to leave you with this: Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth (Matthew 5:5).

God wants you to be happy. He has filled pages upon pages of words with encouragement and instruction of how to do so. In Matthew he even writes us a to-do list (control freaks rejoice!) One way of obtaining that happiness is to become meek, or submissive. Simply put: you give it to God.

I challenge you to give up your fear, your control issues, any and all crosses you bear and follow Him. I can’t speak for you, but I know I am happier because of it.