Tag: #marriage

Faith, Family, Farmhouse

What A Coincidence

Sam

My mom passed away earlier this year. It was really unexpected. I had just talked to her. It is still so surreal sometimes. She had complications from a routine surgery.

Maybe the most surreal part is that I lost a really important person in my life that day and the world is still going on.

One of the things that kept going on was the closing out of her estate. If you read or hear nothing else from this post, let me encourage you to have a will or trust. It is such a gift to your family.

Needless to say, my mom didn’t have one. So it became my job to work with a lawyer and the courts to sell her house and figure out all her assets and liabilities.

It’s frustrating.

If it was just cleaning the house, fixing it to sell, and mowing the lawn….. I could probably handle that. But it’s all the other “stuff”. The family disputes, the back and forth paperwork with probate, running down signatures, setting up an estate account, hunting down all the accounts and bills, and then with the house- not getting offers, dropping the price, negotiating a sale, trying to figure out what makes sense to fix from the inspection report, fighting with the mortgage company…. It was near impossible some days.

Like to the point that I cried to my husband that I just wanted to walk away from it all. Walk away from my family, walk away from honoring my mom by selling her house vs letting it get foreclosed on, and just walk away from grieving my mom.

During that time period- when we weren’t getting any offers, my father-in-law asked me if we had sold it yet. To which I said no, we had some showings, but nothing yet.

He then said something about him praying about it, or asked if I was praying about it, something like that anyways….

And I am embarrassed to admit this, but the answer was no.

I was so frustrated and distracted and disappointed that I was doing everything by myself, that I honestly thought that it was useless to even ask for help….. I think deep down I was trying to hold on to the little bit of control I had left of the situation and didn’t want to give it up. And I truthfully didn’t know how to give it up.

So I prayed immediately.

And we got an offer that next morning.

My husband’s favorite saying is “I don’t believe in coincidences, but when I pray coincidences happen”.

What a coincidence.

But guys, what about all the coincidences that didn’t happen?

I prayed, I fasted, I begged God to heal my mom. I had faith that she was going to recover. I had hope through it all. I prayed countless times through the night in the waiting room with my family.

But my coincidence didn’t happen then. Why was one prayer answered and another wasn’t? Why was the important prayer seemingly ignored?

I’d like to say that was the only area of my life that I prayed so hard for a miracle about. That everything else is smooth sailing, but it’s not. Life hardly ever is- and some seasons are just plain tough.

I’ve had so many things this year. On one day I had two major scares with two different kids. And not to be dramatic, but they weren’t like “oh I got a call from the principal about my kid mooning a kid on the bus” type of scare (although that did happen too), but like I don’t know what the future holds type of scares. I don’t know how to fix it type of scares. Like maybe one scare is “figureoutable” but I might not like what I figure out, and the other scare is just scary and I don’t know how to help.

I’m praying about it all. I have people standing in the gap and praying too. So where’s my coincidence here? I need one really bad and I’d prefer it to happen sooner rather than later.

But, if I have learned anything from my mom’s passing…… it is that I don’t know anything. And it isn’t my favorite thing, but I guess it is ok to not know. I don’t doubt God. I believe He exists. I believe He answers prayers and still preforms miracles. But I have questions and grief that I am pouring out to Him.

Does that mean I lack faith? That because I am confused and waiting on something from God that might not happen, and I am upset about it- that I don’t love God?

I don’t think so. I think it means I have a relationship with God.

The person I am closest to on this side of Heaven is my husband, and I certainly question his ideas and thoughts from time to time- I mean he frequently says things like “it’ll be what it’ll be”- that there alone makes me want to punch him in the throat. I get angry with him. I grieve with him. I even sometimes yell at him. But I would still tell you that I love him…. like I love him a lot and think he is one of the most honest and “good” people I know.

So when I am asking God what the heck is going on and asking what I am supposed to do or asking Him if He’ll answer a prayer and then crying when that prayer doesn’t get answered…….. I think it means I just have a real relationship. One that is back and forth. One that isn’t built on all the things God can do for me and if He makes me mad or doesn’t do what I ask that I stop loving him, but instead it is built on loving Him through the times that I don’t get what I want.

God’s thoughts are not mine, but that doesn’t mean I can’t ask. Maybe He’ll tell me why, maybe He won’t. Maybe I’ll find out that it was a blessing I didn’t even know I needed- or there’s a purpose to this pain. Or maybe I’ll never know or figure out the “good” in the situation. But I can still respect Him- even if I wanted something different with every part of me.

It reminds me of the book of Daniel.

During this time Israel was seized by Babylon- who were just straight up evil.

The King (Nebuchadnezzar) took all the healthy, strong, and smart Israel boys to be his servants. This included Daniel, Hananiah, Mishael, and Azariah. You might know them better by the names they were given by Nebuchadnezzar – Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego.

(Side note: I heard recently that Daniel wrote his Babylonian name wrong all through the Bible. So even when he was writing what God wanted Him to in the Bible he tried to stick it to the Babylonians- which makes me think Daniel was super petty, haha.)

Anyways….. Nebuchadnezzar wanted them to eat from his table (i.e. really good food to keep them strong), but most of the food would go against the Jewish laws. The king also wanted them to worship him and his gods and not God.

To make a long story short, Daniel, Hananiah, Mishael, and Azariah said no, and trusted God would provide.

And He did.

Even though they didn’t eat the “good” food they were stronger than those who did.

And when Hanaiah, Mishael, and Azariah said they wouldn’t bow to the statue of gold Nebuchadnezzar made and got thrown in a fire (that was so hot it actually killed the people throwing the guys in), they said; “If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from your majesty’s hand, BUT even if he does not, we want you to know, your majesty, we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up”.

They didn’t burn, there was another figure in the fire with them- Jesus.

And similarly, Daniel wouldn’t stop praying to God so he was thrown into a lion’s den- and God shut the mouths of the lion and he wasn’t killed.

Their coincidences came true. They believed God would and He did.

But, and again I like to make this disclaimer a lot, I am not a Bible scholar at all, but I bet that wasn’t all they probably prayed for.

If I had to guess I would say they prayed that they wouldn’t get ripped away from their family (some of which were probably killed), and I bet they prayed that they wouldn’t get their names stripped away and given new ones, that the Babylonians wouldn’t try to strip them of their entire identity, and I am even willing to bet they prayed to be delivered and set free from Nebuchadnezzar time and time again.

But that didn’t happen.

Sometimes, prayers don’t get answered. Sometimes the enemy attacks. Sometimes we make stupid choices and have consequences (my husband’s other favorite saying is “play stupid games, win stupid prizes”). And sometimes we live in a broken, fallen, sin filled world that God was loving enough to provide a way for us to be rid of through the death of Jesus on the cross. I don’t think we can ever focus on the “why” bad things happen, because that means we are looking backwards. Instead, I find it much more productive to look at the “who” that can fix it.

I know God is good. I know this because He’s orchestrated steps in my life to lead me to have a support system through this that I never could of imagined. I know He’s good from watching Him work in other areas of my life and my friend’s life. I know He’s good because my foundation is the truth in His word, and the Bible says He’s good and I have proof to back up those claims.

I know that sometimes my prayer isn’t going to be answered. My coincidence might not ever come. And I’ll probably have a breakdown and not know what to do and get angry and sad and scared. I might even yell. But I’m still going to pray for my coincidence because I still want everything, including everlasting life and peace, that comes with a real relationship with God, “even if”……………

It's Fine I'm Fine Everythings Fine ...

Faith

Extra, Extra

Sam

Last Thanksgiving my friend put out a text message to our small group asking if anyone had a fancy place setting that they could use for a video for church. We all know that the text was meant for one person and one person only… me. Of course, I have holiday place settings around my table that we must move every time we eat because my kids are heathens when eating and I don’t want my place settings to actually be used…. They are just for looks. Duh.

Do I also do matching PJs on Christmas morning? Yes. Family Halloween costumes? You know it. Matching shirts we all wear on vacations? Usually. Did I throw my dog a 1st birthday party? I wanted an excuse to have cake. Elaborate teacher gifts? Look, they deserve the most elaborate gift in the world for dealing with my kids.

I wear makeup most days, curl my hair, and have worn heals to a bonfire.

I have a closet that is full of gifts in case someone springs a party on me last minute and I also have a cabinet in my kitchen just for when I host gatherings.

I have been accused and found guilty of being “extra”.

Most of my friends mean it in a pretty positive light. For example, when one of my best friends needs Christmas trees for a photo session and I happen to have 6 she can borrow. Or when we do a girl’s trip and no one needs to know anything but to be awake at 6 am because I’ve already got our ride to the airport figured out, boarding passes downloaded and a full itinerary planned. No one complains then….

But sometimes, I have a few people (usually who I am not super close to) call me “extra” in a way that is meant to shame me. It is hard to explain… but it is almost like because I find joy (and I would even call it a gifting) in what they would say are superficial things that I am somehow “less than”. Or I am impractical or lack common sense. Or that I care more about the world and looks than people and Jesus.

I don’t think it helps that I have seen sermon after sermon, and a lot of devotionals about how you should be a Mary not a Martha. And no, I am not referring to Martha Stewart…. Although can we just pause to acknowledge that 1) what a coincidence both their names are Martha and 2) what a shame it is that there is an entire generation who probably doesn’t know who Martha Stewart is???? No lie, I was once asked if I could meet two people (dead or alive) who would I choose? And I seriously said Jesus and Martha Stewart….. anyways.

If you aren’t familiar with this particular part of the Bible, here it is:

38 As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. 39 She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. 40 But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”

41 “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, 42 but few things are needed—or indeed only one.[a] Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.” Luke 10:38-42

First, I’d like to take a pause here and insert my husband’s name into this passage at times for Mary…. I know it is a running joke that right before a party all husband’s find the most absurd thing to “help” with… like cleaning the gutters. My husband has taken it one step further and is now indoctrinating our kids. We were about to host people the other day and my oldest decided that was the perfect time to clean his room… nope, he decided he needed to use the backpack blower to rake leaves.

In all seriousness though I sympathize with Martha in this passage. She’s doing all the work, and she just wants some help. However, the Lord urgently says that Martha isn’t focused on the right thing, but Mary is. (I always choose to think Jesus said it not in a harsh, loud urgent way… but more of a “oh my dear child, listen to me” way).

Anyways, the gist is that Jesus wasn’t going to tell Mary to stop listening to Him in order to help Martha.

In a lot of devotionals and sermons on this passage it is pointed out that we all need to stop worrying about this world, and the to-do lists, and we need to rest in the eternal peace only Jesus can bring. We need to focus on the one thing that is needed. Jesus. Which is 100% true.

However……

Let me point out a few things.

  • Jesus went to MARTHA’S house. Not Mary’s, not their brother Lazarus’ house. Martha’s.

My non-bible school interpretation of this? Jesus was hungry and tired, and he knew Martha could cook and take care of him and his whole gang of friends. Do you know how rare it was that it was Martha’s house during that time? A woman’s house? Rare, friend, rare. Martha made Jesus and his disciples felt so taken care of that they dropped in (somewhat) unannounced. Probably more than once.

  • Martha was loved by Jesus.

In John 11, in another passage Martha’s brother was sick and ended up dying and Jesus took His time to get to them. In the description of the family (Martha, Mary, and Lazarus) it is said “Now Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus.” (John 11:5). I mean we are all loved by Jesus….. but it’s called out here to show just how close they are. Which means Martha knew God (and His word), loved God and loved His son, Jesus.

  • Jesus never told her to stop hosting or caring for others in her home…. She was told to stop worrying about it.

That might not seem like a big difference but to me it is.

A few years back I had a lot of shame when it came to this. I listened to those sermons and devotions saying, “Be a Mary in a Martha World”. So, I decided I’d try that advice. It was right before a party we were hosting. I remember vowing I was going to be a “Mary” not a “Martha”. I picked up the house a little, made some basic food, and settled in to sit like Mary did. Want to know what happened? My husband straight up panicked and thought I was mad at him because I didn’t give him his pre-party to-do list, my kids asked what activities I had planned, and I didn’t enjoy sitting as much as I thought I would.

My husband likes my to-do list (usually, I mean… as long as a house project isn’t on it), it tells him exactly what to do. In fact, if someone could tell me in detail exactly what to do I think I’d like that too.. anyways…. Also, my kids like when I plan fun traditions and make things special. And yes, they might get embarrassed taking in mini piñatas and nachos to their teachers, but you can bet they ask me what I am doing this year for their teachers.

Turns out I am a Martha.

And that is ok.

Jesus never asked Martha to not be Martha. Jesus saw Martha. Like He really saw her. He knew she was the one He could count on to take care of him. He knew she had an amazing gift for hosting and making people feel welcomed. AND He knows that the kingdom needs that. I mean most Churches have a whole hospitality team to make people feel welcomed and feel taken care of.

Christian’s all have a gift or talent we’ve been entrusted with to further God’s kingdom. Maybe yours is encouraging people, or maybe it is teaching, or helping or maybe it is healing, wisdom, prophecy, faith… there are several guys. And as it turns out in order to reach the MOST people to tell them about Jesus, we need all the gifts.

One person might shut down if you start teaching them right away. They might need to see you helping in action to realize they can trust the God you serve. But another person might need facts and truth, they value wisdom and although they acknowledge emotions, they like taking emotions out of decisions.

Here’s the thing, what Jesus was talking about to Martha… is that she needed to stop worrying about the task and focus on the reason. Not change her task per-se.

This means;

  • You might have to recognize that your need to be “right” or “seen” isn’t near as important as making sure the person comes to know Jesus.
  • You have to recognize when someone else’s gifting might be better in a situation. WE have to work together.
  • You can’t let your gifting be used for the wrong purpose or even “just because”. Your talent is a direct gift from God, use it for Him.
  • If you start to worry and stress about “doing” whatever you think you’re called to do, you need to re-exam if you have your priorities right.

Martha started to use her gift in a way that wasn’t accomplishing what she was meant to use it for. Her purpose was to serve Jesus. She did that usually very well, by serving his physical needs. But her sister is different and Martha can’t push that on her sister.

That’s what Jesus was telling Martha. He was saying; “Martha serve me whole heartedly, like your sister is doing right now.” He didn’t say serve me differently than how you are, just keep the main point the main point. Which is always Jesus.

I am proud to be a Martha. But from time to time, I do need the reminder that my calling is to be a child of God and to lead others to know Jesus, not to just host parties for no reason. However, if you do need a wooden sled to decorate with, themed dinnerware, baby girl shower décor, or just a place to drink fancy coffee from my coffee bar and talk about Jesus… I have that covered.

 

 

 

Faith

Hit Submit

Sam

This may come as a shock to you… but I am an opiniated, loud, and fiercely independent woman. Ha! If you’ve seen me watch any of my kids play sports or talk about budgets, this does not come as a shock to you.

Here’s the thing, I enjoy my career and it is a priority in my life. We also depend on my income and my husband’s. I like to share my thoughts, and sometimes I even have some good thoughts. I also don’t mind a good debate every now and then. And I have been known to call people out on things I feel are disrespectful. I don’t have any signs in my office that say Boss B, but I smile when I see those signs at Marshall’s. I also enjoy a good eyeroll when I don’t see women represented in certain leadership positions (*cough* School Board *cough*).

I believe, and I claim over my life that God made me this way. He made me passionate about the things I believe in and a desire to learn. He has blessed me with the career and job I have- which has led me to a stronger and more courageous faith. And He has flamed my desire to be independent and to teach others to be independent, so that at the end of the day we can rely solely on Him and be free of this world’s ways.

So imagine my utter surprise (and younger me’s utter disappointment) when He also told me I had to “submit” to my husband.

Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. (Colossians 3:18)

Or… this verse…

Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. (Ephesians 5:22-24)

I won’t lie, I did my best for a good part of my life to ignore this. Clearly this message was not intended for women of today. I mean when the Bible was written it was from a time when women had little to no rights, so surly that part of the Bible was a little outdated.

Yeah, no. The Bible is as relevant today as it was then, and will have the same amount of relevancy 1,000 years from today. God does not change with the times. The World changes with the times, and we are called to not live for this World but instead for eternal life and our promise of life beyond our time here.

Furthermore, I can argue that Jesus was actually very respectful with His interactions with women at the time, compared to others in society… so if He said wives need to submit to their husbands, well, then wives need to submit.

Unfortunately, I am not super submissive. In fact, I’d say I was the opposite of submissive because I am a control freak. But it’s cool because God made me that way. I trust that there is a way to be both a strong and independent women….. and a submissive wife and child of God. And I *think* our society and the enemy likes to tell us the lie that we have to choose. I’ll actually go one step further and say that the enemy is absolutely afraid that we will stumble on the truth that we are ALL called to be both.  And if we do embrace being strong and free and submissive… well then we wouldn’t fall into his trap and he’d be powerless.

Anyways… let me first tell you through trial and error a few things submission is NOT.

  • It is not being quiet. (Thank the Lord)
  • It is not letting someone tell you what to do without regards to your feelings or wellbeing.
  • It is not following someone without questions.
  • It is not doing everything from cleaning to cooking to childrearing to (fill in the blank) without expecting any help and with a smile on your face.
  • It is not being co-dependent.
  • It is not being a martyr.
  • It is not denying who God designed you to be… even if that person is loud (passionate) and independent (free).

There are a lot of other things submission is not. But from my very brief dabble in it, these are some things I’ve found submission IS.

  • It is asking your husband his opinion before your friends.
  • It is surrounding yourself with friends who build up their husbands.
  • It is supporting him and singing his praises.
  • It is giving him words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, quality time, and physical touch.
  • It is praying for him and with him.
  • It is valuing his ideas and being thankful to his contributions to the household.
  • It is respecting him and not coveting a quality in him that is not there.
  • It is being a good reflection of him and complementing his identity.
  • It is being a united front.
  • It is trying to understand him.
  • It is learning from him.
  • It is holding him accountable.
  • It is accepting his love towards you.

Submission is between a wife and a husband because there is a covenant (or agreement) set up. So let me be clear. If one person is not holding up their end of the agreement, then the other part of the agreement or covenant starts to become void or needs restoration. So. If a wife or husband is being abused mentally, physically, or emotionally that’s a breakdown in the covenant. If there has been immoral conduct. That is a breakdown in the covenant.

God asks His people who have agreed to be in covenant with Him to obey His rules and submit to Him. If there is a breakdown in that agreement, if we can’t obey and submit, a new covenant has to be forged.

Spoiler alert…… we have broken our covenant with God a lot. Like so much. It started in the Garden of Eden and it continues today with every decision we make to be further away from Him.

You know what God calls our husbands to do for us, their wives? He says “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church”. You know what his ultimate display of love was? A sacrifice. We messed up our covenant with God so much that the only way to fix it. The only way to continue to have a relationship with God, was for either us or God to restore the covenant. God never broke the agreement. We did. So God did what no mother or father or grandparent or care giver in their right mind would do, and made a sacrifice so big, so pure, and so perfect…… He sacrificed His Son so that we could start anew. The sacrifice to end all sacrifices. And our end of the new agreement? We have to love God. And to love God is to know that His Son died on the cross to wipe away all our wrongs…..

Whew… to bring it all back around. Ladies, between the two of us- husbands and wives. We got the better end of the deal. We’ve got to submit. And yeah, that might be hard, especially when he hasn’t taken out the trash like he said he would 2 days ago….. but he’s called to sacrifice for us….. just like God sacrificed for us.

 

Family, Farmhouse

Marriage Proofing Your House.

Sam

Has anyone told you that building a house is tough? Or that it really tests a marriage?

If you haven’t heard this before let me be the first to mention it to you. And if you have heard it let me serve as confirmation of this information. Building a house will be tough on your relationship. 

In fact, want to know what I am doing right now? I am holed up in my room, listening to a marriage sermon that my friend sent me, and I am sulking. Kyle and I had a big fight last night. Like one that ended in me driving around for 3 hours with a stop at Walmart at 1 am with my PJ’s on. I am super dramatic like that.

Want to know what the fight was about? Our house. I am frustrated and upset that we are 6 months into our build and we still do not have our septic in and we’ve been on a waiting list to get it in for almost a year.

Actually, I am just frustrated (period).

The thing is, when building a house it gets frustrating a lot. You’ll get frustrated that it is taking too long, something comes in over budget, a subcontractor messed something up, you have to pre-plan out all these things and you are afraid you might forget something, or you have to make a choice on wood flooring and the choice you want doesn’t work out so you have to go with something else that you aren’t quite as satisfied with…….. and the list goes on and on.

I have only been married 10 years and I don’t think I am qualified to offer any marriage advice. 1) because when we fight I do things like go to Walmart at 1 am because I am throwing a hissy fit and 2) Kyle and I haven’t really been faced with any big complications in our time of being married. But if it is OK with you I’d like to walk you through a few things that might help you if/or when you might build a house. And mostly because I need a list to refer back when these “house” fights happen again…… because they will.

  • Reach out to the one or two friends who value marriage and relationships. You know who they are. Bonus points if they too have built a house together or even tried to plan a simple home improvement project. They are the ones who won’t ever say a negative thing about your spouse even when you are saying ALL the negative things. They are the friends who listen, pray for you, and then send you sermons to listen to. They aren’t judging you and saying “what a terrible marriage you have or you should be more like my perfect marriage”. No, these friends are telling you that you are just frustrated and offering to go to McDonalds at 10 pm once the kids are asleep just so you can throw a pity party over a McFlurry.

 

  • You have to look at your spouse through the lens of LOVE. There are gonna be some tough times. I can’t tell you what those tough times are. For me it is because I want it to stop raining so we can put a septic tank in. Yours might be because your husband can’t tell that there is an OBVIOUS off color piece of flooring in the middle of your living room….. wait no that’s me too. You need to remember some basic facts: your spouse is not error free, they need as much grace as you do, and when you stop looking at them as a child of God and instead as someone whose letting you down- you will fail. Your marriage will fail. Your family will fail. (Note to future self: listen to this sermon when this happens: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6QSJSjNQM68)

 

  • Separate the truth from lies. During this current fight; I am not mad at Kyle, I am mad because our septic is not in and I am still living with my dad in a house that isn’t mine. I am frustrated at our circumstances right now. The truth is that Kyle feels the same way I do but expresses it differently. The lie is that I sometimes get so worked up that I think Kyle can control things that are really out of his control: like the weather. I know it sounds dumb, but honestly during this build I had to remind myself a lot that we were at the mercy of different contractors and the weather… both things that we can’t control. And the biggest truth I had to remember is that we still have the same goal in the end.

 

  • Marriage differences are tough. That might be the most underrated sentence I have ever spoke. Kyle and I are different on so many levels. He’s focused on the structure of our house like the electric and wouldn’t help on selecting what color we should paint the walls. He likes the hot hot summer and I look better in layers in the winter. He is so laid back that at times it comes across like he doesn’t care and I am such a hot head that I jump to conclusions. It’s not easy being so vastly different. Sometimes we can’t see where the other one is coming from and it leads to frustration. It’s during these times that I just have to embrace our differences and be thankful. I have to look at them as an opportunity to grow and widen my view. I have to embrace that differences mean that we are being thorough and that it brings diversity to our relationship. I cannot let the differences divide us. Because again when that happens things in our relationship start to fail, like communication.

 

  • You are not justified. This is really important. When I am mad at Kyle or hurt by really anyone who I have a close relationship with I can really easily fall into a hole where I feel wronged. But we are called to stay humble. And we need to get humble fast. I can perfectly recall a lot of the things that I have gotten mad about over the past 10 years with Kyle. He can’t. It isn’t because I haven’t made my fair share of mistakes- probably even worse than his ever were. It is because he has a terrible memory. But jokes aside you will need grace at one point in time in your relationship. Extend the type of grace that you hope to get when you mess up.

 

This isn’t my way of saying I have this marriage thing figured out or that I resolve conflict really well. I am so far from that. I just want you to know that building a house is not for the faint of heart and it will be tough- even for those of you who have a pretty strong relationship. I also want to tell you that the house you are building is not worth a broken relationship. And in case you need to be reminded……….. your spouse cannot control the weather so that it stops raining so you can put in a stupid septic tank.

Family

How to say sorry.

Sam

I love to apologize. I remember getting a letter when I was a kid from a really dear friend of mine that said “I wish you’d stop saying sorry so much”. My first gut reaction was to apologize. I so badly wanted to go up to her and ask her if she was still my friend even though I was annoying.

Sometimes I use the word “sorry” to replace “excuse me”. Like when my kid gets up to use the bathroom during a play and we are in the middle of the row I like to say “Oh, I’m so sorry, can we get past you?”. Sometimes I say sorry in a sarcastic type of way like “I’m so sorry you can’t be bothered to answer my call Kyle- who else could possibly be more important than your WIFE!”. Most of the time though I really am sorry and I like to tell people how sorry I am.

There is probably a lot of insecurity issues and childhood traumas that have led me to being an overly apologetic human being. But of all things I am not sorry about, it is being sorry all the time.

Have any of you experienced a time where someone did something offensive to you and they say the dreaded sentence “well, I’m sorry you took it that way”? Another personal favorite of mine is “I’m sorry but x,y,z happened” aka it’s not my fault.

When I hear things like this it makes me feel as a society that we have become so adverse to showing any signs of weakness or being honest in our failures that we forget there is usually another actual person on the other side that has worth. That is a mouth full of a sentence so let me break it down. When you apologize it is for the benefit of the other person. It is not to show your weakness. If you are saying sorry right, it has nothing to do with your weakness or with your failures and everything to do with making sure the person you are apologizing to still knows they are important, or worthy.

I actually had an example of this that played out today and sorry (lol) that I am being vague but there are people I want to protect. Anyways, I was telling someone that I didn’t receive some information that I should have. I handled it the right way and let the person who didn’t give me the information know they really needed to make sure they let me know in the future and let it go. Within the next hour I had been forwarded an email where in fact they did send me the information. I immediately apologized that I had missed it, and I also went out of my way to let the person I told originally know I actually did receive it. 

Simple right? I wanted to make sure my friend knew I recognized my mistake so that next time it wouldn’t happen. I wanted them to know that I knew they did what they were supposed to and they were worthy. I also didn’t want the other person to think poorly about the friend. Did it make it look like I missed the information the first time and was irresponsible? Probably. Do I think anyone gave it that much thought afterwards? Probably not.

Could you imagine if I didn’t apologize? If that friend continued to think that the other friend didn’t do what I needed, or if the one friend thought I thought they were irresponsible? It would make for some complex relationships.

You see when you say sorry for a simple error it stays like that….. a simple error.

Instead, what I see all the time is when the simple mistakes aren’t dealt with they stop being simple and start to become complex. It starts to become something that festers and gets bigger and bigger and bigger. In our marriages I see it all the time. We let something as simple as not taking out the trash stop being something as simple as just taking out the trash and instead it becomes “you never listen to me” or “you think x,y,z are more important than me”.

With our kids; when they ask us to do something like play a game of UNO and we tell them “after dinner” and then forget, it is simple to say “I’m sorry I forgot, we don’t have time for UNO now but I’ll read you a book”. It is more complex to deal with a child who becomes accustomed to someone always letting them down than to just say sorry and try to do better next time.

Not repeating your mistakes or trying to do better is just as important as saying the actual words “I’m sorry”. We as a society need to do better about linking actions to words. When a child becomes an adult and hasn’t seen their parents actually apologize, something as simple as just saying sorry becomes a more complex issue of a future adult who doesn’t know how to take responsibility for their actions.

Saying sorry also forces you to become vulnerable. I think the world teaches us that being vulnerable equals weakness. Now I’m a Bible believer so I know that our weakness is where God shows up. You might not think that so let me take another approach to this; Vulnerability shows someone that you can be honest and trusted. How much better would this world be if we had more honest and trustworthy people in it? A lot.

Now saying sorry for a simple error vs. saying sorry for something you can’t take back or where you can’t try to better next time because there is no next time, is not called “being sorry”. That’s called asking for grace. That is really different…….. and sorry to say………. a whole other post.