My mom passed away earlier this year. It was really unexpected. I had just talked to her. It is still so surreal sometimes. She had complications from a routine surgery.
Maybe the most surreal part is that I lost a really important person in my life that day and the world is still going on.
One of the things that kept going on was the closing out of her estate. If you read or hear nothing else from this post, let me encourage you to have a will or trust. It is such a gift to your family.
Needless to say, my mom didn’t have one. So it became my job to work with a lawyer and the courts to sell her house and figure out all her assets and liabilities.
It’s frustrating.
If it was just cleaning the house, fixing it to sell, and mowing the lawn….. I could probably handle that. But it’s all the other “stuff”. The family disputes, the back and forth paperwork with probate, running down signatures, setting up an estate account, hunting down all the accounts and bills, and then with the house- not getting offers, dropping the price, negotiating a sale, trying to figure out what makes sense to fix from the inspection report, fighting with the mortgage company…. It was near impossible some days.
Like to the point that I cried to my husband that I just wanted to walk away from it all. Walk away from my family, walk away from honoring my mom by selling her house vs letting it get foreclosed on, and just walk away from grieving my mom.
During that time period- when we weren’t getting any offers, my father-in-law asked me if we had sold it yet. To which I said no, we had some showings, but nothing yet.
He then said something about him praying about it, or asked if I was praying about it, something like that anyways….
And I am embarrassed to admit this, but the answer was no.
I was so frustrated and distracted and disappointed that I was doing everything by myself, that I honestly thought that it was useless to even ask for help….. I think deep down I was trying to hold on to the little bit of control I had left of the situation and didn’t want to give it up. And I truthfully didn’t know how to give it up.
So I prayed immediately.
And we got an offer that next morning.
My husband’s favorite saying is “I don’t believe in coincidences, but when I pray coincidences happen”.
What a coincidence.
But guys, what about all the coincidences that didn’t happen?
I prayed, I fasted, I begged God to heal my mom. I had faith that she was going to recover. I had hope through it all. I prayed countless times through the night in the waiting room with my family.
But my coincidence didn’t happen then. Why was one prayer answered and another wasn’t? Why was the important prayer seemingly ignored?
I’d like to say that was the only area of my life that I prayed so hard for a miracle about. That everything else is smooth sailing, but it’s not. Life hardly ever is- and some seasons are just plain tough.
I’ve had so many things this year. On one day I had two major scares with two different kids. And not to be dramatic, but they weren’t like “oh I got a call from the principal about my kid mooning a kid on the bus” type of scare (although that did happen too), but like I don’t know what the future holds type of scares. I don’t know how to fix it type of scares. Like maybe one scare is “figureoutable” but I might not like what I figure out, and the other scare is just scary and I don’t know how to help.
I’m praying about it all. I have people standing in the gap and praying too. So where’s my coincidence here? I need one really bad and I’d prefer it to happen sooner rather than later.
But, if I have learned anything from my mom’s passing…… it is that I don’t know anything. And it isn’t my favorite thing, but I guess it is ok to not know. I don’t doubt God. I believe He exists. I believe He answers prayers and still preforms miracles. But I have questions and grief that I am pouring out to Him.
Does that mean I lack faith? That because I am confused and waiting on something from God that might not happen, and I am upset about it- that I don’t love God?
I don’t think so. I think it means I have a relationship with God.
The person I am closest to on this side of Heaven is my husband, and I certainly question his ideas and thoughts from time to time- I mean he frequently says things like “it’ll be what it’ll be”- that there alone makes me want to punch him in the throat. I get angry with him. I grieve with him. I even sometimes yell at him. But I would still tell you that I love him…. like I love him a lot and think he is one of the most honest and “good” people I know.
So when I am asking God what the heck is going on and asking what I am supposed to do or asking Him if He’ll answer a prayer and then crying when that prayer doesn’t get answered…….. I think it means I just have a real relationship. One that is back and forth. One that isn’t built on all the things God can do for me and if He makes me mad or doesn’t do what I ask that I stop loving him, but instead it is built on loving Him through the times that I don’t get what I want.
God’s thoughts are not mine, but that doesn’t mean I can’t ask. Maybe He’ll tell me why, maybe He won’t. Maybe I’ll find out that it was a blessing I didn’t even know I needed- or there’s a purpose to this pain. Or maybe I’ll never know or figure out the “good” in the situation. But I can still respect Him- even if I wanted something different with every part of me.
It reminds me of the book of Daniel.
During this time Israel was seized by Babylon- who were just straight up evil.
The King (Nebuchadnezzar) took all the healthy, strong, and smart Israel boys to be his servants. This included Daniel, Hananiah, Mishael, and Azariah. You might know them better by the names they were given by Nebuchadnezzar – Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego.
(Side note: I heard recently that Daniel wrote his Babylonian name wrong all through the Bible. So even when he was writing what God wanted Him to in the Bible he tried to stick it to the Babylonians- which makes me think Daniel was super petty, haha.)
Anyways….. Nebuchadnezzar wanted them to eat from his table (i.e. really good food to keep them strong), but most of the food would go against the Jewish laws. The king also wanted them to worship him and his gods and not God.
To make a long story short, Daniel, Hananiah, Mishael, and Azariah said no, and trusted God would provide.
And He did.
Even though they didn’t eat the “good” food they were stronger than those who did.
And when Hanaiah, Mishael, and Azariah said they wouldn’t bow to the statue of gold Nebuchadnezzar made and got thrown in a fire (that was so hot it actually killed the people throwing the guys in), they said; “If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from your majesty’s hand, BUT even if he does not, we want you to know, your majesty, we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up”.
They didn’t burn, there was another figure in the fire with them- Jesus.
And similarly, Daniel wouldn’t stop praying to God so he was thrown into a lion’s den- and God shut the mouths of the lion and he wasn’t killed.
Their coincidences came true. They believed God would and He did.
But, and again I like to make this disclaimer a lot, I am not a Bible scholar at all, but I bet that wasn’t all they probably prayed for.
If I had to guess I would say they prayed that they wouldn’t get ripped away from their family (some of which were probably killed), and I bet they prayed that they wouldn’t get their names stripped away and given new ones, that the Babylonians wouldn’t try to strip them of their entire identity, and I am even willing to bet they prayed to be delivered and set free from Nebuchadnezzar time and time again.
But that didn’t happen.
Sometimes, prayers don’t get answered. Sometimes the enemy attacks. Sometimes we make stupid choices and have consequences (my husband’s other favorite saying is “play stupid games, win stupid prizes”). And sometimes we live in a broken, fallen, sin filled world that God was loving enough to provide a way for us to be rid of through the death of Jesus on the cross. I don’t think we can ever focus on the “why” bad things happen, because that means we are looking backwards. Instead, I find it much more productive to look at the “who” that can fix it.
I know God is good. I know this because He’s orchestrated steps in my life to lead me to have a support system through this that I never could of imagined. I know He’s good from watching Him work in other areas of my life and my friend’s life. I know He’s good because my foundation is the truth in His word, and the Bible says He’s good and I have proof to back up those claims.
I know that sometimes my prayer isn’t going to be answered. My coincidence might not ever come. And I’ll probably have a breakdown and not know what to do and get angry and sad and scared. I might even yell. But I’m still going to pray for my coincidence because I still want everything, including everlasting life and peace, that comes with a real relationship with God, “even if”……………
